Fading, I’m Fading
The thought of fading out of somebody’s life and not being needed anymore makes people feel sick, and helpless, at least that’s how I feel.
You always know when someone is starting to disappear, not always because you want them too, its just that they’re getting more and more distant with you, not talking to you as much as they did if they do at all, that feeling of being helpless, of becoming irrelevant in someone’s life, of no longer existing in their life.
I’ve had those feelings too many times and I feel sick, helpless and useless because I know that what I used to be to someone, I’m not anymore and I know that someone else is.
It’s never that I’m jealous or even angry, it’s because when I fall for someone, I fall hard, I love like I’ve never loved in my life before, I want to make sure that they are okay all of the time and I do that anyway with anyone I ever care about, because when I care about someone, I care.
Some people might call me soft in that respect and some might call me an idiot, or a MUG, and trust me I’ve been the mug on many occasions where people (women mostly) have seen me coming from miles away and figured I’m an easy target.
I’m not the thinnest, best looking guy that everyone wants to be in a relationship with, I’m not even close to any of it, but when I fall for a woman, I fall properly, I love her like my first, I care about her constantly and annoy her because every other message is asking her if she’s okay.
A lot of women walk away from me, because as soon as they find out about all of my health issues, they’re gone. Sometimes I can’t say I blame them, but many women friends have told me that they are shallow and that I’m a lovely guy, the jury is still out on whether that is true or not, but I always know when I’m disappearing out of their lives and basically when they realise they don’t need me no more.
When it gets to that point, I always feel like they’ve stabbed me in the back and then twisted the knife, see I try not to show emotion and then I always fail because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve had so many women walk because of my health issues though that I may as well give up in trying, its not easy though, especially for me.
As much as I try to be nice, be there for everyone, there’s always somebody there to take advantage of my kindness.
I’m not the kind of man, built to be on my own, but I’ve had to be and I don’t see any end to that any time soon, all because of health issues that I can’t control.